Rhonda Findling's "Don't Call That Man" is a book I've been reading about the art of letting go. It sounds like a B-side Ani Defranco track, but it's actually to the point & relatively unbiased. Chapter 7: "The Ambivalent Man," especially struck me.

I watched a guest therapist on TV last week ask a distraught woman named Sylvia, torn over breaking up with her boyfriend, a very simple question. He said-- "Honey, what is the opposite of love?"

Naturally, her answer was hate. In an instant- you saw the therapists face chage. "Actually," he said, "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's ambivilance."

The line was powerful.

How many of us find ourselves in situations that we just don't know what to do with? Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, they go on a couple of great dates, talk on the phone and then poof-- he disappears for two weeks-- only to emerge wanting more connection and more chatter-- until he leaves again.

According to Chapter 7, signs of an ambivilent man include:

+ He tells you he misses you, wants to be with you, but doesn't make time to see you.

+ He acts sexually enthralled with you, then seems distant and businesslike the next time you speak with him.

+ He doesn't call when he says he will.

+ He tells you he loves you, then starts a relationship with another woman.

+ He is involved with another woman (or women) but says he wants a relationship with you.

+ He cancels dates or is consistently late.

+ He stands you up.

+ You have an intense conversation where you feel really connected, then he acts cold to you the next time you speak.

+ He disappears from your life for weeks at a time

With the list above- it can't help but leave me wondering why anyone would ever get involved with a man like that, but when it comes to this type, often they are hard to resist.

As a cover up, you usually find charming, sophisticated, intelligent guys. Unfortunately- this bravado is complimented by emotional immaturity which is detruimental to relationships, and can easily leave a woman looking for security in pain.

"A man like this is totally absorbed in his own needs, incapable of being sensitive to your needs... He feels engulfed or swallowed up by a woman he feels close to, so he distances himself or disappears to ease his anxiety," says Findling.

Once again, I think back to Sylvia-- the poor woman who assumed hate opposed love. She confessed to crying herself to sleep at night, blaming herself & over-analyzing every exchange-- when in reality--problem was far from hers.

She was holding onto an unrealistic, mentally immature man who refused to acknowledge her. Why should she hold on?

Remember, we all deserve someone who will:

+ Invest time & energy in your relationship

+ Call when he says he will

+ Is not trying to exploit you or use you in any way

+ Is considerate of your feelings

+ Displays compassion

+ Is able to listen when you speak & pays attention to you

+ Does not make you feel like you're going crazy!!

Hope this helps all you fence-sitters out there....