textual seduction....

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=dX3ws6OnGuE

My mom's good friend emailed this to me-- and its actually some great advice...

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Mom’s best dating advice

By Wendy Spero

It’s no wonder people often compare my mother to Dr. Ruth. (Remember her? The grandmotherly sex therapist with the thick German accent?) My mom is a small woman — maybe 4’9” — with wispy short brown hair and at least seven layers of shoulder pads. She also happens to be a sex therapist, which, if you’re single and dating, isn’t really the profession you hope for in a parent. But the truth is, my dating advisor has always been my mom. Over the years, she’s talked me off a series of dating-related ledges, and the best advice she’s given me has, oddly, had nothing to do with sex. Here are my top Mom-approved dating tips:

1. “Do they ask questions?”
My mother was never lacking for questions about my dating life, and her first was always this: “Does the person you’re seeing ask enough specific questions about your life?” If not, she’d say, seriously consider ending things. Of course, it’s possible that this person is going through a short-lived self-absorbed phase (he just started a new, demanding job, for instance) or is simply shy, but my mother insisted that it’s more likely this person prefers to be the star in the relationship. He or she is probably hoping to win some kind of relationship Oscar and has already cast you as the permanent audience member, to laugh and listen and clap on the sidelines.  
Still, sometimes it was hard to find someone who asked enough questions to meet my mother’s approval. She wasn’t talking about questions like, “How was your day?” or “Are you tired?” She meant specific questions like, “Wait, what is your friend doing now, since she was laid off at the firm?” Or, “What was the name of the turtle you found in that pond again?” She urged me to try my darnedest to find a mate who asks the kind of insightful, thoughtful questions everyone wants to be asked—the kinds of questions you’d expect from your best friend.

2. “Do they answer questions?”
According to my mom, it’s great news if the person you’re seeing asks good questions. But it’s not such great news if the same person seems incapable of sharing details from his or her own life. Not just details like, “I worked for three years in banking.” She meant details like, “Yeah, it was a really stifling environment. My parents had always pushed me towards a business career, which is why I tried it in the first place I think, and it was great to get the up the courage to quit, finally.” OK, lame example, but my mom is a therapist, so she gives those kinds of examples. And I understood what she was saying: You want to hear details that have real meaning in the person’s life. They may seem trivial, but they’re actually signs of openness and what mom would call “healthy emotional availability.”

3. “How do they deal with anger?”
My Mom loves the phrase “healthy emotional availability” and used it in a variety of dating contexts. One was anger. She always wanted to know how my boyfriends dealt with anger—whether the anger was directed at me or someone else. She wanted to know, “Is he willing to calmly talk about it?” Being with the stoic, silent type, she said, doesn’t mean you’re with someone calm and grounded. This may be obvious, but it’s key: Don’t date someone who walks around bottled up like an overheated sealed container in a microwave. They could burst at any moment.*

*This is my metaphor—my mother has never owned a microwave. She’s concerned the electromagnetic waves are potentially hazardous.

4. “Are they ‘finding themselves’?”
Mom warned me to stay away from people who are “finding themselves.” I argued, “What does that even mean, Mom? When have you officially ‘found yourself’? People are always changing.” True, my mother said, but she explained it like this: Some people know themselves more than others. Stay away from the people who are looking for a partner to help define their worth. Don’t date people who seem somehow “lost” and think they’ll find their identity by being with you. As my mom also likes to say, “That’s a recipe for disaster, dear.”

5. “Are they opposed to therapy?”
Here’s the thing. Everyone is somewhat crazy. It’s just a matter of degree. And everyone has “issues.” It’s just a matter of how much a person is willing to acknowledge them and how much the person is willing to address them.

My mom doesn’t believe that everyone should be in therapy, and she certainly doesn’t believe all couples should go to couples therapy. But she sure does love therapy and therefore believes that it’s a red flag if your partner thinks that therapy is only for the totally insane or the emotionally weak. It’s not. If your partner doesn’t believe you, make this person watch Oprah.

6. “Don’t compare, dear.”
I can’t help it, I like to compare. My mom says this is one of my biggest problems: comparing my relationships with other people’s relationships. I have a tendency to obsess about that woman I know from college who still has really good skin and who’s just gotten engaged to a totally hot dude who genuinely enjoys watching Grey’s Anatomy. But my mom says, “You have no idea what’s really going on in these people’s lives.” What she means is, you have no idea if their mates are as “perfect” as they seem when you’re all out at dinner. They could be liars. They could be cheap. They could have bed bugs. You don’t know. No one is a “perfect” catch. Stop comparing, my mom says, and focus on finding someone who makes you happy.

Wendy Spero is the author of the bestselling memoir Microthrills: True Stories from a Life of Small Highs and has written for The New York Times and Esquire. Her website is www.wendyspero.com.

"Hey you, some guy, it's me... some girl!

http://www.fliggo.com/video/NTtenBNg

The Sad Truth About Relationships

(thanks pete.)

Rhonda Findling's "Don't Call That Man" is a book I've been reading about the art of letting go. It sounds like a B-side Ani Defranco track, but it's actually to the point & relatively unbiased. Chapter 7: "The Ambivalent Man," especially struck me.

I watched a guest therapist on TV last week ask a distraught woman named Sylvia, torn over breaking up with her boyfriend, a very simple question. He said-- "Honey, what is the opposite of love?"

Naturally, her answer was hate. In an instant- you saw the therapists face chage. "Actually," he said, "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's ambivilance."

The line was powerful.

How many of us find ourselves in situations that we just don't know what to do with? Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, they go on a couple of great dates, talk on the phone and then poof-- he disappears for two weeks-- only to emerge wanting more connection and more chatter-- until he leaves again.

According to Chapter 7, signs of an ambivilent man include:

+ He tells you he misses you, wants to be with you, but doesn't make time to see you.

+ He acts sexually enthralled with you, then seems distant and businesslike the next time you speak with him.

+ He doesn't call when he says he will.

+ He tells you he loves you, then starts a relationship with another woman.

+ He is involved with another woman (or women) but says he wants a relationship with you.

+ He cancels dates or is consistently late.

+ He stands you up.

+ You have an intense conversation where you feel really connected, then he acts cold to you the next time you speak.

+ He disappears from your life for weeks at a time

With the list above- it can't help but leave me wondering why anyone would ever get involved with a man like that, but when it comes to this type, often they are hard to resist.

As a cover up, you usually find charming, sophisticated, intelligent guys. Unfortunately- this bravado is complimented by emotional immaturity which is detruimental to relationships, and can easily leave a woman looking for security in pain.

"A man like this is totally absorbed in his own needs, incapable of being sensitive to your needs... He feels engulfed or swallowed up by a woman he feels close to, so he distances himself or disappears to ease his anxiety," says Findling.

Once again, I think back to Sylvia-- the poor woman who assumed hate opposed love. She confessed to crying herself to sleep at night, blaming herself & over-analyzing every exchange-- when in reality--problem was far from hers.

She was holding onto an unrealistic, mentally immature man who refused to acknowledge her. Why should she hold on?

Remember, we all deserve someone who will:

+ Invest time & energy in your relationship

+ Call when he says he will

+ Is not trying to exploit you or use you in any way

+ Is considerate of your feelings

+ Displays compassion

+ Is able to listen when you speak & pays attention to you

+ Does not make you feel like you're going crazy!!

Hope this helps all you fence-sitters out there....

(Oprah.com) -- One guy is needier than quicksand. Another is jealous of your cocker spaniel. A third quietly hates all womankind. Here's a list of men you should put in your rearview mirror, ASAP.

Certain clues in the way a man acts may be a hint that you need to ditch him.

Joe No-Show
You meet in a city where neither of you lives, at a convention or a wedding. The calls and e-mails are making the phone lines sweat; two months later, he's begging you to visit.

You tell the woman next to you on the plane that, after years of searching, you think you've met The One, and the two of you giggle with anticipation all the way to baggage claim.

Thirty minutes later, when the carousel stops going around, she looks at you with deep pity and asks if she can give you a ride somewhere. That's the moment to go straight back to the ticket counter.

Mr. Jealousy
At first, he'll get a little short with a waiter who flirts with you. Then he'll be exasperated by how long you and the postmaster discuss the rising price of stamps. When he points out that you and your brother hug too long to be appropriate or that your gynecologist is a lesbian and obviously has the hots for you, it's time to give him his walking papers.

However flattering his jealousies may seem in the first five minutes of your relationship, they'll get old and confining more quickly than you can imagine, and when you do finally break up with him, he will hang the scarves you left behind on your trees like nooses and follow you and the next man you date all over town.

The Bully
This is the man who sits you down, grabs your arm, pulls your hair, or pokes your chest. While most of us know better than to let ourselves get socked in the mouth the way Ralph Kramden was always threatening to do to Alice (but even then never following through), there's a whole universe of more "minor" infractions in the violence department that should disqualify your new beau instantaneously (but all too often does not).

The Two-Timer
For the first time since you've been dating, he's too sick to make a date. You try to ignore the fact that it happens to be your birthday, and you assemble the ingredients for your famous chicken soup. You drop it off inside his door.

Two days later, he's still sick, but you've been invited over. You ask if you can heat up some soup for him, and he says, in a small, congested voice, "That would be wonderful." You pour the soup from the Tupperware into the pot, and you see that there are mushrooms in it. Your famous chicken soup doesn't contain mushrooms. Conclude that this man has another source of soup and will continue to cheat on you for as long as you give him the chance.

The "Liberated" Man
I used to have a friend who said, "I seem to have a very liberating effect on whatever man I'm dating. We go on three dates, and the next thing I know he's moved in with me, he's quit his job, and his car is up on blocks in my yard."

Certain men are more prone to this type of liberation than others, I have found: Carpenters, river guides, and flamenco guitarists all fall into the category of men who are perfectly willing to hand themselves over to the care of a good woman, as well as visual artists, stage performers, and racers (ski, bike, boat) of all kinds.

The Betrayed
I seem to have dated an inordinate number of men who have just been left by a woman for a woman. In general, these men are angry beyond all reason, no matter to what lengths they may go to disguise it, and if you date one, be ready to give up all your girlfriends, or you will be accused of being a lesbian, too.

The Narcissist
He doesn't like your dog? Do we even need to talk about this one? Put it at the top of the category that includes he won't make eye contact with your kid, he doesn't want to meet your sister, and he whines the first time you make plans with your girlfriend.

A man threatened by the love you have for the dog you sleep with is going to be threatened by more things than you can name. Dating him is inviting the type of conflict into your life that will make you tired before you even get up in the morning.

Mr. Resentment
Pay close attention to how he handles your accomplishments. If you get a promotion with a raise and he breaks it down to show you how it really only amounts to six dollars a day after taxes, that's the first strike. When he uses any expression like "your little project," count that as two.

Just because men are having a hard time adjusting to the idea that women are capable breadwinners doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself into helping them make the transition. There are men out there who are more than happy to bask in the glow their women cast and to consider your talents a positive reflection on them.

The Virtual Lover
What a relief it is when a man doesn't try to force you into bed on the first date. How charmed you are when, on the third date, he says he wants to wait until "you both can't stand it anymore." How sympathetic you become when, on the sixth date, he tells you how badly he was hurt by your predecessor. How confused you are six months later when you've realized his pager goes off every time you get naked, but he's still sending you roses and talking teddy bears.

A surprising number of great romancers out there never get around to having sex. To the date-weary woman, this can seem like not the worst combination, but beware. Eventually he will blame his problems on the smell of your breath or the size of your thighs.

The Guy Who Had the Happiest Childhood This Side of the Beav
His mother was perfect; his father never smoked or drank or cheated. He hates the way his friends blame their parents for everything, when he and his seven brothers and sisters had love pouring down on them from the moment they woke in the morning until they went to bed.

However refreshing this might sound the first time you hear it, listen carefully for a voice that is trying to convince itself, listen for the creak and crack of a personal mythology in the throes of shattering. When it comes crashing to the ground, it's going to make a very big noise, and most likely your relationship will come crashing down with it.

By Pam Houston from "O, The Oprah Magazine", June 2003 ..."return(ET());">E-mail to a friend