(Oprah.com) -- One guy is needier than quicksand. Another is jealous of your cocker
spaniel. A third quietly hates all womankind. Here's a list of men you
should put in your rearview mirror, ASAP.
Certain clues in the way a man acts may be a hint that you need to ditch him.
Joe No-Show
You
meet in a city where neither of you lives, at a convention or a
wedding. The calls and e-mails are making the phone lines sweat; two
months later, he's begging you to visit.
You tell the woman
next to you on the plane that, after years of searching, you think
you've met The One, and the two of you giggle with anticipation all the
way to baggage claim.
Thirty minutes later, when the carousel
stops going around, she looks at you with deep pity and asks if she can
give you a ride somewhere. That's the moment to go straight back to the
ticket counter.
Mr. Jealousy
At first, he'll get a
little short with a waiter who flirts with you. Then he'll be
exasperated by how long you and the postmaster discuss the rising price
of stamps. When he points out that you and your brother hug too long to
be appropriate or that your gynecologist is a lesbian and obviously has
the hots for you, it's time to give him his walking papers.
However flattering his jealousies may seem in the first five minutes of
your relationship, they'll get old and confining more quickly than you
can imagine, and when you do finally break up with him, he will hang
the scarves you left behind on your trees like nooses and follow you
and the next man you date all over town.
The Bully
This
is the man who sits you down, grabs your arm, pulls your hair, or pokes
your chest. While most of us know better than to let ourselves get
socked in the mouth the way Ralph Kramden was always threatening to do
to Alice (but even then never following through), there's a whole
universe of more "minor" infractions in the violence department that
should disqualify your new beau instantaneously (but all too often does
not).
The Two-Timer
For the first time since you've been dating, he's too sick to make a
date. You try to ignore the fact that it happens to be your birthday,
and you assemble the ingredients for your famous chicken soup. You drop
it off inside his door.
Two days later, he's still sick, but
you've been invited over. You ask if you can heat up some soup for him,
and he says, in a small, congested voice, "That would be wonderful."
You pour the soup from the Tupperware into the pot, and you see that
there are mushrooms in it. Your famous chicken soup doesn't contain
mushrooms. Conclude that this man has another source of soup and will
continue to cheat on you for as long as you give him the chance.
The "Liberated" Man
I used to have a friend who said, "I seem to have a very liberating
effect on whatever man I'm dating. We go on three dates, and the next
thing I know he's moved in with me, he's quit his job, and his car is
up on blocks in my yard."
Certain men are more prone to this
type of liberation than others, I have found: Carpenters, river guides,
and flamenco guitarists all fall into the category of men who are
perfectly willing to hand themselves over to the care of a good woman,
as well as visual artists, stage performers, and racers (ski, bike,
boat) of all kinds.
The Betrayed
I seem to have dated
an inordinate number of men who have just been left by a woman for a
woman. In general, these men are angry beyond all reason, no matter to
what lengths they may go to disguise it, and if you date one, be ready
to give up all your girlfriends, or you will be accused of being a
lesbian, too.
The Narcissist
He doesn't like your
dog? Do we even need to talk about this one? Put it at the top of the
category that includes he won't make eye contact with your kid, he
doesn't want to meet your sister, and he whines the first time you make
plans with your girlfriend.
A man threatened by the love you
have for the dog you sleep with is going to be threatened by more
things than you can name. Dating him is inviting the type of conflict
into your life that will make you tired before you even get up in the
morning.
Mr. Resentment
Pay close attention to how he
handles your accomplishments. If you get a promotion with a raise and
he breaks it down to show you how it really only amounts to six dollars
a day after taxes, that's the first strike. When he uses any expression
like "your little project," count that as two.
Just because
men are having a hard time adjusting to the idea that women are capable
breadwinners doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself into helping them
make the transition. There are men out there who are more than happy to
bask in the glow their women cast and to consider your talents a
positive reflection on them.
The Virtual Lover
What a
relief it is when a man doesn't try to force you into bed on the first
date. How charmed you are when, on the third date, he says he wants to
wait until "you both can't stand it anymore." How sympathetic you
become when, on the sixth date, he tells you how badly he was hurt by
your predecessor. How confused you are six months later when you've
realized his pager goes off every time you get naked, but he's still
sending you roses and talking teddy bears.
A surprising number
of great romancers out there never get around to having sex. To the
date-weary woman, this can seem like not the worst combination, but
beware. Eventually he will blame his problems on the smell of your
breath or the size of your thighs.
The Guy Who Had the Happiest Childhood This Side of the Beav
His mother was perfect; his father never smoked or drank or cheated. He
hates the way his friends blame their parents for everything, when he
and his seven brothers and sisters had love pouring down on them from
the moment they woke in the morning until they went to bed.
However refreshing this might sound the first time you hear it, listen
carefully for a voice that is trying to convince itself, listen for the
creak and crack of a personal mythology in the throes of shattering.
When it comes crashing to the ground, it's going to make a very big
noise, and most likely your relationship will come crashing down with
it.
By Pam Houston from "O, The Oprah Magazine", June 2003 ..."return(ET());">E-mail to a friend 
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